thank you for the beautiful day today, and for allowing me to spend some quality time with my family. Thank you for my family and for the love and support they give me constantly. Thank you for my good university grades, and for giving me a chance to be the best version my high-school self couldn't. Thank you for my two amazing jobs and my dream course I am studying. Thank you for my wonderful few friends that have stuck around me, even if the rest have drifted away. Thank you for the food you provide, the shelter you bring and the opportunity to live in a safe country where healthcare is free and inexpensive.
God, I am sorry for being unappreciative and ungrateful for a lot of things. I always forget to count my blessings, for example I take for granted my physical appearance- my eyesight, my hearing, my healthy body weight and mobility- aspects that others were unfortunately robbed of or born without. I am sorry for putting on an attitude to my family and closing them off, like being disrespectful to my parents majority of times because I find them irritating, or because I disagree with their views. I am sorry for not trying to be close with my dad, and for not speaking to him on a personal level, not telling him I love him often, not being nice to him enough, not giving things back to him, not finding things interesting in his life or try make good conversation. It has been like this for a few years now and the disconnection between our relationship has become stronger. We both have the same personality, and cannot swallow our pride down. I am sorry for having too much pride and ego. I am sorry for being so selfish towards my family, but selfless towards my friends. How could I treat my friends better than I treat my own family? My own flesh and blood- the people that have showered me with privilege, support and shelter for countless years. I am sorry for being so ignorant, and for being so negative and for neglecting you because I did not need you. I am sorry for only talking and praying to you in times of need, I am sorry for 'using' you and not praying to you for my thanks and gratitude. It is a disgusting behavior of mine, and I have realized today that I am not a good person. Maybe this is why I am so unhappy all the time.
unI starts back on Monday, and I am terrified because of the heavy units I need to take, as well as the supplementary exam I need to study for. God I am scared of failing, and scared of wasting time and money, and also scared of disappointing myself and my family. I am worried about how I am going to cope with my two jobs, volunteer work, coping with my study load, losing weight, taking care of my physical, emotional and spiritual health as well as maintaining a balanced social life. I also am thinking about starting roaccutane treatment. I am horrified about the side effects I have read- especially the increased feelings of isolation, depression, anxiousness and loneliness- which is already what I feel to this day. Also the physical side effects such as muscle or nerve damage that could be irreversible. I am very confused about my life right now and I please pray for your guidance in the'se times. Please give me the strength to decide, pick my battles and fight through the next 6 months. Please I pray, that this semester I will come out with high distinctions, I really want to try my best God, and prove my worth.
I please pray for my sister, that she will ace her exam block, and get to the course she wants to in the future. I pray she will be positive, and to experience less stress and pressure because I am worried about how she will take it if she does. I pray for my mum, and that she is happy with herself and her new found love for meditation, but I pray this is not a distraction for her real life issues like her loneliness and how her close group of friends have left her despite the decade long friendship they have all shared. I hope she is truly content with her life. I pray for my dad, and that we both can start a new relationship based on respect and love. I pray that he will find happiness in himself, despite not being close to my sister and i, I pray that he is okay and that he is not sad. I see him become more stressed lately, and much more rude ever since we moved into the new house, I pray he is not in crippling debt to the renovations or the mortgage they need to pay. I pray he finds a good escape from reality from his hobbies of cycling, or even his work.
I please pray for my grandpa, and that his illness will be treated, and that it will not reoccur. He has suffered long illnesses that have come back all over again, which has caused financial, emotional and physical strain, especially for my parents to send money back and forth. I do not know how my family is coping, it seems there are problems everywhere. I please pray you will watch over my grandpa, and give him hope to heal and get better with his medication. Please protect him, God, he means everything to me.
July 13, 2019, 10:43 pm