I'm sorry for all my failures. I'm just really confused right now. Do you even exist? Or are you limited? Why can't I feel your perfection? Please, come on. I need your help in creating the best reality. Maybe everything is already perfect. But why can't I feel so?
please, I need to understand.
if you are Jesus, please. Show yourself now. Fix the imperfections of the world. Or please, take my life. I do not want to stay in this world anymore.
if you are not, can we talk? Face to face?
you probably hate me now because of my uncertain mind. But that's only because I am scared of being vulnerable.
if we spend time together and I finally develop deep trust, Maybe only then will I trust you.
please, God. I want to be able to end all the bad situations. At no expense. Or you do it. Please. End all the bad situations.
if you are real, take me now please. I am not your enemy. I support utopia. I support good. And once I finally see who you are, I would not be afraid anymore.
please do not hate me. I did not mean to be the way I am. If you are real, cmon. Please. Take me now. Tell me how to get to you.
i've sought you diligently. Please reveal yourself to me now. If I made the mistake of suggesting a bad idea, can't you fix it?
please, God. Cmon. Let's build utopia. Please. I already spent all my energy suggesting things on how to build everlasting utopias.
I spent all my energy praying for everlasting utopias.
please. If you are Jesus, tell me, where did I go wrong? Please, do not hurt yourself, Jesus. Success does not have to hurt.
tell me how to save myself from all the'se people who seek to destroy me and who seek to steal from me.
tell me where I went wrong. Is this all because of my imaginations? I have not betrayed you yet in deed. If I did, it was done in ignorance.
can't you see my true heart yet? That I am not serious in hurting people?
please, you've observed me for a long time now. No matter how angry I am, I never actually act upon those angry feelings in a serious manner.
I stop myself. Even when it comes to sex. No matter how tempted I am, I never actually push through with my dirty plans.
please, you've seen me stop myself many times. Please, you know the real me.
cmon, please. Let me join you now. The only thing I lack is high passion. The'se days, I feel so drained of energy, I do nothing.
please, you know me. You know me better than all the'se imperfect judges.
please, God. Show yourself.
if there are many versions of you, please transform all the bad ones into good.
if you are not perfect, and you are indeed the highe'st, I can accept you. I really can. Just tell me where your limits are that I May stop myself from suggesting things too difficult for you.
please do not put me in hell. Let's try to perfect everything together (if you're not perfect). If you are, then you won't make any mistake if you let me in a secured place.
you once told me to accept your flaws. But if you have flaws, how can you be God?
if bad is just a part of you, don't tell me you'll kill your good side?
don't kill it. Please. Do not self-destruct. Stay beautiful.
if you have gone extremely ugly, please let me clean up your mess in a way that does not involve too much sacrifice/pain.
nothing matters to me more than utopia anymore. Because I just want to make everything all right. Nothing matters more to me than making everything all right.
cmon, God. If you're perfect, you understand.
if I am you or a part of you, please take me now. I feel so much pain.
it's not that I want to be a hero. I don't. It's just that I feel like, I cannot just sit here and do nothing about all this mess.
i've been through so much pain, my empathy has gone high.
I feel sorry for all pained people. I feel them. I can understand them. That is why I can't just sit here and do nothing about this mess.
but I do not know what to do.
please, God. Cmon.
you probably do not trust me because I am so lacking in passion right now.
but please, if you were there the whole time, then you probably know that I rarely ever acted upon my bad thoughts.
sure, I had a very bad mouth. And I leave when I am angry, but as for heavy badness. I've never actually done it, have i?
please, God. Please. Do not let evil win. And as for "balance" of good and bad, it does not have to disappear.
too much evil on the other hand, it's stupid and unnecessary.
if you hate me, why? Because you think I made a fool of you? Tested you?
nope, that was me being uncertain.
and that was me not liking to open up to random people in case strangers were listening. I do not want to show my true self to random people.
I want to show myself to you and you alone.
to be honest, I belong to einstein's club or something. I mean, I am not intelligent, but I identify most with those whose personalities are like einstein, atticus, mr. Peabody, jason summers, mr. Fantastic, my dad, etc. I mean, reasonable yet kind people.
why do I have to be stuck with people who are war-hungry, crazy, and unreasonable? Please put me where I actually belong. I don't belong here. I only bended my personality because of the circumstances. If I had a choice, I want the people I'm like to be my parents, friends, and neighbors. People who actually understand. I don't care if they're mean in words. I welcome their opinion because I know it's within reason. Honestly, I do not care about money. The only reason I have to care is that I'm in a place where people attack innocent people just to get what they want. Why do I have to be put in this environment? Now, I feel like I always have to watch my back. I have to protect etc. It's exhausting.
Maybe just to be strong. But please, put me in a place where I actually belong. I'm slowly losing myself here. Good Lord, let me go back home.
don't tell me I do not have a backbone, I already tried confronting a suspect (the noisiest one) during the onset of the dark time of my life. I wanted to resolve this without hurting his school moral record. But he said nothing. And I have no intention of hurting people, really. I just want to negotiate.
please, God. Put me where I belong.
March 12, 2019, 7:32 pm