sometimes I wonder if I am doomed to spend the rest of my life being disconnected from everyone else. Never fitting in feels exhausting. But this issue is, I don’t want to be like them…but i’d at least like to meet a good number of people like me. It would be nice to have friends. I am stuck in a dilemma of hating how everyone acts but also feeling lonely and wanting companionship. So, what do I do? If I become like them then that means i’m a sell-out. Sometimes I feel so bottled up I want to cry but nothing comes out, even if I allow myself to feel. Being around others is so draining. They don’t understand me, and I have truly tried to play it their way. Going my own route has been lonely and cause for social awkwardness because I don’t know how to properly act around the'se idiots. I wish everyone would f-off home. I wish the streets were empty for me, me and a friend.
on the other hand, I feel guilty for even asking you. You know i’m not a good person, I don’t strive to be. Sometimes I wonder if I am an innately bad soul. I do nothing to better myself. Sometimes I wonder, what even is the point? Doing the good thing doesn’t land me anywhere. The bad does. The bad is my justice, my self-defense and my justice. I want to be good. Don’t i? Do i? I am ashamed that you, Jesus, can still care for me. I am truly unworthy. We are not worth dying for. We never were. I always ponder why you do the things you do but I thank you, Lord. You have opened my eyes up to question things, to think for myself, to be a full person. I am exploring, searching and yearning for my own truth. I feel like I am truly starting to understand myself more and more each day. Gone are the days of the shriveled up little girl whose compass didn’t know which way to point. I am going north. I hope that you don’t think the things I do are bad. In my mind, they are rationalized. I just want justice, truth, and happiness for myself and for my family. Suffering is a part of human nature; I just need to trust that you have a bigger plan for us all. All of humanity. I trust, I trust, I trust.
June 14, 2019, 1:36 pm